Saturday, January 03, 2009
Hai.. There's only ard 5 more days till enlistment. Scared? no. Nervous? Probably. But i'm definitely feelin kinda nostalgic about it. Sorta like there's lots of stuff i haven't done, or regret not doin, but somehow i dun have much time left to do it.
It's kinda like the feelin that u wanna set urself to doin something, but somehow u know u won't have the time to complete it all. In the end, u probably end up doin nothing, n feelin even more shitty that u haven't done wat u should have done. Probably that's really wat i should do, just stayin at home n doin nothing, n just enjoy the feelin of family, or homeliness. Somehow, I already know i'll miss home, i'll miss my frens, n I'll miss *HER*, but then there's no way i can pre-empt or prevent any of such stuff from comin, cos NS is not something I can control or escape. Of course ppl would be sayin "Aiya. time will pass quickly lah", "It's ok one. It's part and parcel of life", "U can still call n sms wat"... etc. Probably, some would even call me weak, useless or a wimp for bein so afraid of NS or wat, but i'll like to emphasize that i'm not one bit afraid of it. Actually, i was even kinda lookin forward to it a month or probably 2 or 3 weeks ago. Oh wells, i guess this is just me as usual, always good at feelin nostalgic n stuff.
I dunno why, but i've been thinkin alot about my life recently. From pri sch till now, I haven't really thought about my future, my life.. Yea, of course kids always sorta had some ambitions they wanted when they were young: I wanted to be a X-men. Haha.. alright. I was kiddin on that one( not totally but I knew i would never be), mine was a combination of several occupations. I visioned myself workin with ppl, enforcin the law, curin ppl, takin up courtcases, teachin kids, n probably somewhere even a NBA player (this i still try to entertain my self-denial n fantasy by creatin myself on NBA 2k9 or live 09 with perfect ratings. HAHA). Heck man, those were the times that u could dream all day, and the sky still wouldn't fall on u. Of course the sky still doesn't drop today ( I meant the formal in a literal manner, but i still believe the sky would never fall..), but reality seems to creep up on me, day by day, hour by hour. In fact, some of my peers have experienced such stuff tryin to look for jobs before the results r out, while i'm lucky to be enlistin earlier n need not fret about slackin or no-pay days, but wat i'm thinkin is long-term.. My exams were over, n somehow(in fact totally) I feel i could have done much better. No use cryin over spilt milk, but i'm just hopin that probably i could just get into a course i enjoy so that I could set a target for myself in the long-term. From time to time, I envision myself an intellect, a scholar, in the future, but somehow i know i probably won't be. The gist of all my worries generally just lies with the fact that i'm not confident about my results.. I dunno where i'll end up, but somehow i've made the worst decisions in my mind. The impt thing is not failure, but learnin how to deal with it. Somehow i've made up my mind not to give myself any shortcuts or any easy way out if i've any opportunities. Singapore, of course is a land of opportunities, but the essence still lies in how one can use the given scarce resources most effectively to achieve the swiftest n best results. I've not used mine well, n somehow i'm just waitin for judgement day to come. In retrospect, perhaps i haven't spent my whole hols in vain, for i've picked up some impt lessons in life, to not waste n squander away precious resources-time anymore..
Hai.. Finished with "exam results" phobia, I'm just thinkin recently that i probably dun understand myself. Perhaps, this is why, sometimes i just have no explanations for my own actions. I know i've hurt ppl through some of my actions, I know it's unintentional, cos even i have no reasons or excuses for myself. Deep down, i even blame myself for all the shit i've done. Well, some would say nobody is perfect, or that nobody will always do things right. One thing is for sure now, that is i'm not nobody because i haven't seen any perfect in me. However, i've decided in me, that i'm goin to embark on this life-changin journey, that is i'm goin to change myself, by instillin certain disciplines on myself. No person can live without principles. So do i. With that, My new year resolution for 2009 would be to abide by my new principles and become a better person (dun ask me wat it is because it's just for myself). Oh wells, i've felt better after typin this post. Gonna end here.. All the Best everybody, and wish myself Good Luck for NS! =)
P.S. To Liyuan: I'm sorry for disappointin u once again. I'm really such a sorry jerk. I know I suck, and I'm really sorry. That's why I've decided to change. I hope u'll forgive me:(
1/03/2009 04:08:00 am